I woke up from a dream this morning feeling conflicted and sad. The dream was about being offered a job working at Apple making tutorial videos and applications for others. It was my dream job and -although I had doubts about my ability- I wanted to pursue it.
The drawback is that I'd have to leave my relatively secure position working for the state. I spent the rest of the dream worrying about how I should approach the subject and cleaning up my local neighborhood.
I was in a dark place. It was a cage with other people and a couple lights above us.
I could hear people walking across and i knew who they were.
They were being judged and they were going to heaven.
and then a man came down dressed in black and drinking a cup of coffee. he asked "why should you live?" as he sipped his drink and sat down.
"how can i find my pashion," i yelled.
he almost spat out his coffee...
he readjusted himself in the chair and repeated the question as if i hadnt said anyhting.
i felt like i was doomed and helpless. that nothing i said or did would change anything...
i feeling that im too familiar with...
and then the alarm went off.
Today, I woke up from a nightmare. I dreamed that I was unable to move forward with my life. That there was some list out there that kept track of my every mistake and that it prevented me from getting a raise at my current job or to move to another job. There was a guy who let me look at the list and it was filled with minute and cryptic offenses. The whole time I stood there shocked because there wasn't a way to defend myself... it was all on the paper that I wasn't supposed to see in the first place. What do I do? How can this be fair? Some of the things were so small as to seems inconsequential. Some of them had nothing to do with who I was, what I had done in the past or how I had changed over the years.
Waking up, I realized that I was looking at the fear I've of just letting my past mistakes dictate who I am and denying myself of the possibility of being better.