Mandaris Moore

I feel that one of my greatest weaknesses is that I underestimate myself and my abilities. For a large part of my life, I've had a voice in my head that told me that I'm not good enough.

• Not good enough to be a writer, so I never took the time to write.
• Not good enough to be a dancer, so I never pursued competition.
• Not good enough to make it as a programmer, so I never submitted an application to anyone other than teachers and close friends and afterward I never bothered to save my own code.

Not pretty.

It is only when I stop myself and look at all the little things that I do and make a daily list of accomplishments that I find the strength say, "Yes, I can and did."

They say life is made up of little things, and it is up to all of us to find the little things in life that will move us forward.

One time, I said that I'd rather live a life where I regretted some of the outcomes of things that I'd done rather than living with the regret that I didn't do anything. Turns out that I was living a life filled with simple regret instead of going out there and just living.

I'm not going to get on the horn and start outlining all the things that I plan on doing because I know how plans can change. All I can do is be true to myself and look at how I can change my course to live my dreams...

I don't know where I'm going to be next week at this time.

Those are the first words that I can think of as I stare at the computer trying to come up with something write about for today. It's not that I don't know what I'll be doing¹, but what am I going to be thinking about when I do it. Will I be worried about when my next paycheck is going to come in or am I going to happy that we just finished another birthday party for the kids. Will I have to worry about whether or not I have to put the dog down because he's been having some digestive problems.

I don't know.

I've been looking for ways to not get into a rut since loosing my job almost a month ago. All I can think of is the worry about what my next step is going to be and how horrible it will be if such and such doesn't happen for me. Almost none of my energy has gone into making things happen for me.

It almost feels like I'm catatonic, or a ghost standing over my own body and watching as time and life just slip by me.

The only good news is that I feel that I'm finally slipping through some of the fog and actually moving forward with some things again.

Like with a lot of things in life, the first step is the hardest.

Everyone woke up late today. This is the second time in less than a week that my wife woke up before I did. Maybe I'm losing my touch, maybe I'm just that tired, my fear is that I just don't care as much. For a little more than a year, I've been getting up early to get everyone up so that we can start the day. I dress my children and get lunches ready and this is no easy task when you take into consideration that I'm trying to round up sleepy 2 and 4 year olds.

It really makes me respect single mothers who have to do this all by themselves everyday.

Recently, my youngest has become more and more fussy and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I get the impression that she doesn't hear the word no from other people because that's usually what will set her off on a tantrum. Part of me thinks this has more to do with the fact that she doesn't have a lot of her own activities. As a family, we don't have a lot of time together so a significant portion of it is used to take the oldest one to her events because they don't have a lot of things for a 2 year old to do. I've been thinking about what things I can do so that she gets her own time.

My wife and I have been watching Don Juan DiMarco for the last couple of weeks and it has really made me think about what it means to be romantic. I feel it streams from passion. It is the passion we have for each other and the passion that we have for life itself that makes romance possible.

That's what I've been telling myself for a couple years now, and it seems like I'm only giving it lip service.

The problem (other than follow through) is finding something cool to work on. It is sooo much easier to look at what I don't want to work on.

Recently, I went back to school to get some more 'learnin' and it was actually a lot of fun after the initial issues not having been in a class room since 2004. The [professor][chang] was not only knowledgable but actually cared about teaching understanding. For a second, I even thought about going back to school so that I could teach as well.

The most important thing about it was that I really got back into the passion of programming. I enjoyed completing the assignments and working with a group of people towards a common goal.

That is what I want to do.

So I'm taking an Operating Systems class at Sac State and the first feeling is fear. It's been a long time since I've sat down to learn something completely different from what I've done before and I've lost track of that feeling of excitement and discovery when it comes to coding.

True, I do a little bit of coding for work and have kept busy by doing little example programs here and there.

True, I've been attempting to get myself ready for the class by doing simple exercises with gdb.

But, I can't shake my self doubts. I feel like I'm being followed by a huge shadow that constantly sings a chorus of "You're not good enough", "You're gonna fail", "If you were smarter, you wouldn't have to do this in the first place."

Breathe...

I'm going to make it... Somehow...

I'm just a guy trying to make the best of the world.

Well, the last couple of weeks have been really busy in between moving to a new location, new routines, new expenses and just a lot of new things. Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to get off the routines that I've been putting together and the biggest reason is my own procrastination.

Part of me wants to make this blog "Perfect", so I spend too much time thinking about all the little tools I should use to make it. I wonder "How am I going to host images?", "Am I going to continue hosting it on google?", "How do I keep track of old post: Should I leave them on the server or on my local machine?", "What if my laptop gets stolen?", "Should I only write on my laptop or anything I get my hands on?"

It goes on and on, and I forget the important thing. This blog is for me. I do it to put my thoughts into words and from there I post it for the whole world to see. I make it, not the other way around.

If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.

Well, things have been hectic and I'm thinking about a lot of things in my personal life. The key is that those near me are happy and doing well. Living, learning and enjoying life.

I wish I could say that about people outside of my house, but I can only do so much.

My brother is engaged to get married. I'm happy that he's found someone.

After watching the movie ‘Everybody’s fine’, a nice movie about a newly widowed father who travels across the country to meet up with his children who he has a strained relationship with. It got me thinking about my own relationships. Have I done everything I could do? If I were to die would the people who matter to me go forward with their lives knowing that I wished them well? Would my children know that all I truly want for them is to live a full and happy life? Did I really live life to the fullest and lead by example?

That last one, I’m going to say ‘no and yes’.

I don’t live every moment to the fullest, in fact, I have caught myself drifting in and out a couple times. Like the song from Linkin Park, ‘It’s easier to run’, I find that I’ve got a certain part of myself that just zones out sometimes. That says ‘Hey, I don’t think I can change this situation so why fight it?’

I know, it’s horrible, but I think it’s how most people are ‘living’ there life.

I also think that’s why people cheat on their spouses and just treat people like shit.

And I’m tired of it. Really.

I’m tired of being told to live in a little box, and I’m tired of being told to shhhh and keep quiet about things for the stupidest of reasons. That, in the end, come back to ultimately bite me.

To be honest, I feel that a lot of people are just set in their ways. I could tell a certain someone that I love them a hundred times and they would only look back to a time I didn’t return their phone call because I was changing a diaper and say that I’m a liar. I could tell someone that they should stand up make a change to some kind of product and that person could say ‘Hey, my hands are tied because the boss gave me these things to do.’ I could hug someone and they would only say that I’m only doing it because it’s expected and not because I want to become closer to them and I may never be able to do it again. I could take someone’s keys to make sure they don’t drink and drive, but that person would only see me as attempting to belittle them.

After a certain point, I’ve got to say ‘Listen, I’m an adult and you’re an adult. I’m going to go this way. You can do whatever you want.’

I’m going to stop there because I have to be at work in 5 hours.