This is the day before WWDC 2019 and I'm not feeling too excited about it.
Normally, I'm caught up with all the buzz about what is going to happen next. I'm thrilled about what new technology is going to be the subject in all the blog posts and podcast that I consume.
Instead, I'm afraid of what I won't be able to get.
I don't have money for new gadgets.
If the new version of the OS doesn't work on my current set up, then I've got to let this stuff go and focus on a new technological stack.
"Andrew will be coming by tomorrow", PaPa says excitedly. "He should be here now instead of running around with those hoodlums."
Uncle Andrew has been dead for years...
Looking in to PaPa's milky eyes, I don't have it in me to tell him again tonight.
Ok, I'm going to update this application.
I don't know what that last guy was thinking with all these redundant method calls.
Delete.
Delete
Change.
Delete.
Uhh…
Oh. This isn't working.
I'll just go to a backup…
…that isn't there…
SHOOT!
I like the idea of being a writer. i also like the idea of being a programmer. I spend a lot of time reading about what this and that person did an invariably putthem on a little bit of a pedistal. After that I stand back and say "that person is cool. I wonder if I could do something cool like that. I know, I'll takesome notes and then when I get a chance I'll make something must as cool."
Nothing comes from just wanting and -at this point- my dreams are only hurting me because I see these people and only see what i lack versus what i can bring to the table.
I feel like im hurting and i dont know if I'll ever heal.
I tell myself it ok. That I can get up and do something more with my life but it feels like all my breaks are simply to break even.
I need help.
I need some kind of guidence.
Well, here I am lying in bed with my iPad typing away in Byword. I feel that today was a great day I got a lot of things done early and although I didn't finish everything that I wanted, I feel that the sense of accomplishment is well deserved.
Tomorrow, I've got a couple obligations to handle and I'm planning that it shouldn't be an obstacle if I start the day the as today.
I'm actually a little worried about this task tomorrow, because it's a very large van and I don't think that Sierra has everything he needs to get the job done or twill e en be up in time to start working on this.
In the end, I think it will be good to see him and work on something together.
I feel the best thing that's happened is a change of perspective about my life and... Well... Not feeling sorry for myself.
I realized that I could wallow in dispare or I could take that time and energy to feel good about myself and make things better.
Life is what you make it whether you actively make the choice or let it take you some place.... And from what I've seen and experienced it rarely takes you to good places.
I think ive talked about this before and I think it is even more important when you are unemployed. if you don't review the days shrink into hours and the hours into meer minutes and the pressure and depression pound on more as you wonder what is the point of sitting in front of a monitor searching for rejection.
But if you review, not just your tasks at hand but why you are actually doing it. if you think about how your actions are supposed to move along some kind of plan -even if it's not fully realized- they become easier, almost effortless.
I've decided to give Byword on iOS a norther chance. The first time I tried it I found it to be a little too unstable and (more a personal matter) too different than the other ways of writing that im used to1.
Byword is actually the first text editor that I bought. I've attempted to use simple note as well as the notes application that came with all iOS devices. I stopped using simple note because of a little syncing issue between it, nvalt and Dropbox. I might give it another chance because I've simplified my writing and reduced some of the complexity of my thoughts but we will see how all of this turns out.
I guess that is really the heart of my problem with Byword on iOS, I couldn't really see how it would perform in my "workflow". If I used iCloud sync, it seemed that I wouldn't be able to achieve the files with the rest of my snippets and push them to my blog as I would like to. the dropbox support was kind of weird as I saw multiple copies sometimes.
So why am I using it again.
Well, after losing my job, I fell off of my writing wagon and I found myself just wandering between submitting job applications. I got lost in the tools and focusing on my lack of writing instead of making it happen for me. I figured that if it's alright to get back on the writing horse, then it should be alright to give this tool another chance to.
After all, it just text.
Although I've had a iPad for more than a year, I find typing on the screen a little weird. ↩
Sometimes, we have to sit back and realize that we are all only human.
Take a breath and just let go.
At work, we've been talking a lot about how to make things better by automating some of the task that we do. That's great, in fact, you could argue that this one of the main functions of a computer. In stead of looking up how to spell a word, it automatically looks it up for you. In stead of mailing a check to pay your bills, you can pay it online.
My problem is that a lot of the things I'm working with are wrappers around a series of other utilities.
Man, I've been so busy with life and trying to do a million things at once that I haven't put a lot of time into my projects. In fact, the list of projects has just grown bigger and bigger the last couple of days as I have to brush up on a lot of things.
This is the second week that I've been doing the 250 word project and the last couple of days have been difficult for me to come up with something to write about. Sometimes, all I can think about are short snippets like this one. I think the problem is that I haven't been keeping track of the topics that I'd like to write about thoughout the day so that when I'm home I can flesh them out.
Today marks the one week aniversary of my 250 words project and I have to say that I'm not only proud of what I've done but very thankful to have done it. Honestly, when you look at all the new habits that people attempt to start every year, I think this one is not only reasonably attainable but one of the most personal. Sometimes, I think about what kind of legacy I'm going to leave and wether or not my children will really know who I am as a person. Maybe they can read over some of these entries and get a better insight over who I am.
In other personal news, I met up with my dad today and he asked that I attempt to reconnect with my brother and call my mother more. I've tried multiple time with my mom and everytime the situation gets worse. I feel that somewhere along the line we disconnected (way before I went to college) and don't know how to communicate on a deeper level then wishing each other well.
My brother...
The last thing he intentionally1 said to me was "Fuck You, Mandaris". That was on my birthday and that is where our relationship stands.
Other than that, my dad also said I should go to grad school and made a compelling argument that it would help my career. I told him I'd think about it.
The only other time was when he called my parents' place and I picked up the phone. ↩
Wow, the second day.
This is usually the time that I start having doubts about a new goal as the initial passion starts to ebb a little bit as I remember all the other missions and goals that I set out to do only to "not have any time for them" later on. I brings to mind link that I shared via twitter the other day where someone wrote about the problems that a friend was having with working out. It's not that the desire isn't there, it's the fact that their isn't much follow through1.
I think it's more of the habits and mindset that I have. As far as I can remember, I've been a little bit of a perfectionist and my own harsest critic. In fact, if you saw how I write on the computer you would be surprised how many times I'll write a sentence notice that one word is mistyped and then delete the entire thing all over again2.
I've recently started making a serious attempt to listen to white noise at work and I'm really liking the results. It's like the world becomes unplugged and the only thing that stops me from doing what I want is myself. I imagine that I'm in a box in front of my computer and the only I can do is write.
I don't even think about whether my writing sucks, just the fact that I am writing something!
We stopped using comcast a couple of months ago only to replace it with AT&T. Now instead of a fast connection that drops out every once and a while, we have a slow connection that can't support streaming media for more than one device at a time.
Yay!
I'm still working through the 100 pushup challenge. ↩
Definitely stopping the creative juices from flowing. In order to promote my writing, I think I'll just turn off spell check for these quick little blips. ↩
All I want to do with this project is work on my writing. I want to be able to communicate better via my writingg. I don't plan on having this being seen by everyone and then placed on the internet, because I want to talk about anything that I want without reprisal.
So right now, my number one concern is wether I'm going to be able to do this every day or what happens if i forget to do this. How would I punish myself or make up for it. Well, the first thing is to forgive myself. It takes time to start a new habit and -honestly- things happen. I might wake up late or have a lot of high priority things going on.
The most important thing is that I get myself some time to just sit back and have some positive time to think. At the moment, I feel that this is my best form of communication (even to myself).
There have been multiple times when I've opened a new page in my journal and said "Who am I and what do i want?". I think a lot of people have done this in one shape or another. For example, to paraphrase Merlin Mann that everytime that we procrastinate, we're forget who we are. How many times do we as humans procrastinate in a given day, week, month, year. You could argue that it's just a way to relax, but even then could you honestly say that all those moments helped you relieve stress?
I think not.